Cosmic comic book talk
July 22, 2014 02:24 PM PDT
NO KEEP TALKING. WE CAN STAY AS LATE AS YOU LIKE. I’VE GOT PLENTY OF MARKING I CAN BE GETTING ON WITH…
[ITEM] Yeah no shit The Beast Must Die isn’t here again, there’s a clue to why.
[ITEM] I don’t think they really do the whole [ITEM] thing any more, or have done for ages. How often do you actually listen to this podcast? That’s not even a song lyric….
[ITEM] Yeah no shit he’s really not here, so it’s fill in time on this the mightily new edition of SILENCE! #108!!
[ITEM] We start with Gary in conversation with the fabularious Colin Hoult, talking about several things comic, in all senses of the word. Colin is fucking excellent as you will hear so be sure to check out his personal website here, and if you one of those louche Brighton comedy guinea pig sorts go to his upcoming gig here. Random SILENCE! guest stars needing tents ROCK, so if you want to hear more from Colin and his camping ilk, be sure to say so in the comments below.
[ITEM] bobsy shows up, things get less funny, Colin’s wife arrives, Colin goes. How does Colin’s wife and the whole professed ’going for a jog’ thing match up, do you think? Was it all an elaborate lie to avoid drinking Gary’s cut price lager? Is ‘jogging’ a new euphemism for ‘shagging’ that those kids on tmblerr are using? The mystery deepens…
[ITEM] Before he has to go our three boyaboys talk about the recent Transformers vs. Action Force comic, the Tom Scioli one, we’re not dicks, and Transformersy stuff
[ITEM] Then it’s on to more comics of the strictly unfunny and very serious young man indeed type, as Gary and bobsy variously mention and harf-arsedly review a veritable shit-tonne of the cunts, including but possibly forgetting and in no particular order because the note-taking was very bad, Stray Bullets: Killers, Cap’n Dinosaur, 2KAD prog 1890, Batman Eternal, The Wicked + the Divine, The Life After, Decadence 10, Your Days are Numbered, the collected Spandex, Copra, the collected Spacehawk, and possibly a couple of other things I’ve forgotten
[ITEM] It’s jolly hot though ISN’T IT THOUGH
[ITEM] I’ve quite a bad cough too, sorry if that breaks things up at all
[ITEM] That’s all really. Byeeeee! Enjoy SILENCE! #108
[ITEM] Bring back The Beast Must DieSILENCE! #107
June 29, 2014 04:49 PM PDTI’D LIKE TO THANK MY MOTHER, FOR INVENTING ROCK N’ ROLL A long, long time ago in a fully painted, fully painted galaxy… After leaving the polybagged planet Reviewniverse, a group of Man-children fly toward a distant speck. The speck gradually resolves into a bootyquaking, space Podcast-hub. Civil war strikes the galaxy, which is ruled by Disembodied Narratorbot X-15735 , a squat Wizard of Technology & Upgrades capable of robot tekno-buggery and even the ability to enjoy a nice firm stool. Terrified, an imbecilic podcast host known as Gary Lactus flees the Empire, with her protector, The Beast Must Die . They head for SILENCE! on the planet Sponsorshizzle. When they finally arrive, a fight breaks out. The Beast uses her fully painted graphic novel to defend Gary Lactus. A long, long time ago in a fully painted, fully painted galaxy… After leaving the polybagged planet Reviewniverse, a group of Man-children fly toward a distant speck. The speck gradually resolves into a bootyquaking, space Podcast-hub. Civil war strikes the galaxy, which is ruled by Disembodied Narratorbot X-15735 , a squat The Wizard of Technology & Upgrades capable of robot tekno-buggery and even the ability to enjoy a nice firm stool. Terrified, an imbecilic The Quizzlertron known as Gary Lactus flees the Empire, with her protector, The Beast Must Die . They head for SILENCE! on the planet Sponsorshizzle. When they finally arrive, a fight breaks out. uses her fully painted graphic novel to defend Gary Lactus. and The Quizzlertron Gary Lactus decide it’s time to leave Sponsorshizzle and steal an Alan Moore’s beard to shoot their way out. They encounter a tribe of Dear listeners. is attacked and the The Quizzlertron is captured by the Dear listeners and taken back to SILENCE!. must fight to save The Quizzlertron Gary Lactus but when she accidentally unearths a bulked-up Beastman & Lactenberg prize for internet journalism, the entire future of the fully painted, polybagged galaxy is at stake. and Gary Lactus decide it’s time to leave Sponsorshizzle and steal an Alan Moore’s beard to shoot their way out. They encounter a tribe of Dear listeners. The Beast is attacked and the Gary is captured by the Dear listeners and taken back to SILENCE!. The Beast must fight to save Gary Lactus but when she accidentally unearths a bulked-up Beastman & Lactenberg prize for internet journalism, the entire future of the fully painted, polybagged galaxy is at stake!
June 24, 2014 06:31 AM PDTI’D LIKE TO THANK MY MOTHER, FOR INVENTING ROCK N’ ROLL (Extract from Gary’s Diary – a SILENCE! Romance by Aubrey Wilteringfust) Gary Lactus is a celestial, gigantic and opinionated podcast host from space. His life is going nowhere until he meets The Beast Must Die, a male model-like, hirsute man with a passion for graphique novels. Gary takes an instant disliking to The Beast and the prestige formatted and fully painted ways he learnt during his years in the internet. However, when a Dear Listener tries to destroy Gary, The Beast springs to the rescue. Gary begins to notices that The Beast is actually rather half-witted at heart. But, the pressures of The Beast’s job as a toilet attendant leave him blind to Gary’s affections and Gary takes up comics to try an distract himself. Finally, when polybag-wrapped audio pan-handler, Disembodied Narratorbot X-15735 , threatens to come between them, The Beast has to act fast. But will they ever find the SILENCE! love that they deserve?
June 16, 2014 11:59 PM PDTIT’S NOT FAR, NOT HARD TO REACH, WE CAN HITCH A RIDE TO ROCKAWAY BEACH In a podcast there lived a ludicrous, well-designed Disembodied Narratorbot X-15735 named The Beast Must Die. Not a stupid opinionated, half-baked podcast, filled with comics and an obsessive smell, nor yet a blustering, gigantic, turgid podcast with nothing in it to sit down on or to eat: it was a Disembodied Narratorbot X-15735-podcast, and that means entertainment. One day, after a troubling visit from the space-giant Gary Lactus, The Beast leaves his podcast and sets out in search of three ignorant toilets. A quest undertaken in the company of listeners, sponsors and ugly meatsacks. In the search for the Quizzlertron-guarded toilets, The Beast Must Die surprises even himself with his bullshittery and skill as a reviewer. During his travels, The Beast rescues a Graphic Novel, an heirloom belonging to Gary. But when Gary refuses to try shutting up, their friendship is over. However, Gary is wounded at the Battle of Crisis Of Infinite Podcasts and the two reconcile just before The Beast engages in some serious shutting up. The Beast accepts one of the three ignorant toilets and returns home to his podcast a very wealthy Disembodied Narratorbot X-15735. Wait, what?
June 10, 2014 02:20 PM PDT
IT’S REALLY LAUGHABLE A HA HA HAHA HA
There’s an ingratiating new boy in SILENCE! and he has everybody talking. Stunningly hairy and devastatingly digital, all the boys want him. However, The Beast Must Die has a secret – he’s a disease-ridden vampire.
Gary Lactus is a smug, giant boy who enjoys comics. He becomes fascinated by The Beast Must Die who can stop graphic novels with his bare hands. He doesn’t understand why he’s so standoffish.
His best friend, a goonish unicorn called SILENCE!, helps Gary Lactus begin to piece together the puzzle. Together, they discover the ultimate weapon – the useless, informative podcast.
When bodies start turning up all over SILENCE!, Gary Lactus begins to fear the worst. The unicorn urges her to report The Beast Must Die to the police and he knows he should, so what’s stopping him?
He may resist The Beast Must Die’s bite, but can he resist his charms?
Will he be caught crying with the vampire?
Which is all a smoke screen to hide the fact that what you have basically a malnourished half-formed edition of SILENCE! this week due to the Beast’s utterly aggravating ongoing technical issues with his computer. Disembodied Natrraotrbot X-15735 could of course have a word with some of his more dubious digital connections and sort out the unlucky Beast, but really, where would be the fun in that?
You do get some content though, as he duo bravely answer some more listener questions and Gary tells us all about his dental work, but there’s no getting round the fact that we’ve failed you again dear listeners, despite your seemingly endless patience with us…go to the back of the class boys. Must. Do. Better.SILENCE! #103
June 02, 2014 02:46 PM PDT
STRUGGLING IN THE VORTEX, WITH MY JACKET MADE OF GORETEX
Today, for you smiling meatsax, Disembodied Narratorbot X-15735 will consult the great oracle DESREE to find for you the meaning of life. Speak oh great one:
“I don’t want to see a ghost
Life, oh life, oh life, oh life
Disembodied Narratorbot X-15735 agrees Desree, toast rather than ghost! ALWAYS! Who would want ghost? And Life IS doo doo doo isn’t it? You really nailed it. No more questions! ALL ANSWERED.
Now onto the latest edition of SILENCE! featuring 100% more The Beast Must Die, but with almost 100% less Bobsy. Same Gary Lactus content though. Just right, as Goldilocks said before she nicked all the porridge and those three vegetarian peace loving bears starved to death.
After a cursory admin session, The Beast talks about his upcoming Cindy & Biscuit art installation up in that bloody London. More details follow after the blurb.
[ITEM] The ‘lads’ answer some more listenoid quizzlers in their slackadaisical fashion. Worth the wait? YOU DECIDE! Amongst the answerage: Doop, bad comics by good creators, Grant Morrison’s Spawn, The Family Must Die, planet-shaped dinner, Heralds, Mighty Crusaders, The Secret Origin of Mindless Ones, Frank Miller, Give Me Liberty, Robo-Hunter, humorous comics, Saturday Night Live, 2000AD, The Studio, creating comics, How To Talk To Girls, drawing comics, Sklent, Greatest Stories Ever Told, Tharg’s Future Shocks, Terminus
[ITEM] A quick dip in the shimmering surf of the Reviewniverse with talk of Southern Bastards, Ordinary, Sparta USA, Titan Comics, MPH, Trees, Saga, Mighty Avengers, SILENCE! Shout out, Deadly Class, non-drowsy decongestants, Red Rover Charlie and a bit more too.
But wait…I have thought of another question.. all is not answered…do not forsake me oh Desree…ANSWER ME!!!!SILENCE! #102
May 27, 2014 02:10 PM PDTGOD BLESS DONALD DUCK, VAUDEVILLE AND VARIETY
April 29, 2014 12:03 PM PDTNOW THAT’S A GOOD IDEA, SHE SAID SHE SAID And what costume shall the poor Disembodied Narratorbot X-15735 wear To all tomorrow’s SILENCE? A hand-me-down dress from who knows where To all tomorrow’s SILENCE And where will Disembodied Narratorbot X-15735 go and what shall Disembodied Narratorbot X-15735 do When SILENCE comes around? Disembodied Narratorbot X-15735 will turn once more to Sunday’s clown And cry behind the door Yes, it’s that time when the party goes sour, when the brave and the beautiful have gone home, or on to wilder more fabulous parties, and all that’s left is the desperate dregs and the too far gone. The man that no-one knows who smells of milk. The broken, the twisted and the boring. And Gary Lactus & The Beast Must Die of course, sat in the corner pretending they have a podcast, shouting at the wall, laughing, singing idiotic jingles about imaginary people and talking, talking always talking. Time to go home.
April 21, 2014 09:59 AM PDTBLANK FRANK IS THE MESSENGER OF YOUR DOOM AND YOUR DESTRUCTION Happy Birthday to SILENCE! Happy Birthday to SILENCE! You look like a monkey and you smell like…Brian Blessed’s beard…? I think that’s how the song goes anyway. It is the return of original and best of the Narratorbots, Disembodied Narratorbot X-15735! No fractal distillations of self, or parallell versions, just the real motherboard-flipping deal. Back to celebrate 100, 000, 000 episodes of reality’s most beloved poddlecaste, SILENCE! What once was a mewling, quivering babe, is now a stooped and saggy old man, with low slung testicles and a shuffling gait. And it’s all because of you enabling those two Radio Hams Gary Lactus & The Beast Must Die in continuing to fool themselves into thinking the world wants to hear their unwelcome opinions. So congratulations dear listeners. this is all your fault. What we need is an intervention.
March 31, 2014 03:24 PM PDTYOU’VE GOTTA HOLD YOUR BREATH THERE, HARRY… YOU’VE GOTTA HOLD YOUR BREATH! Well hello there weary travellers….well I gotta say you picked a HECK of a night to be driving around out there. We ain’t seen a storm this bad since the Verill boy went missing back in…oh but you don’t want to hear about that do ya? Lookit you all drenched to the bone. Rain like that, coming down like the whole sky tore open, you’d kinda swear we done something to make the universe angry. Say folks you didn’t do nothing to make the universe angry did ya…? Haw, I’m just messin’ with you people…my name’s Disembodied Ruralbot X-15735…come on in, dry off a piece and I’ll make us some country tea. What’s country tea? Why it’s a mite stronger than that fancy city tea you’se a probably used to drinkin…got some special ingredients if you catch my drift… Who that? Oh that’s just Mother, don’t you mind her. Why’s she staring at you like that? Oh she just don’t see too many folks is all. Just me and her up here…oh and Albert of course but he don’t come upstairs too often…MA! Quit licking your lips like that, these nice city people don’t want to see that…sorry bout that folks. Say, how’s that tea treating you? Pretty relaxing stuff huh? Well if you feel dizzy just take a seat there. Yep, right there in that seat. Those straps? Oh you pay them no attention. That’s just Pa’s old chair. Those were just to stop him thrashing around when he got…excited. Now you just relax and I’ll go and start making dinner? What we having? Never you mind folks, never you mind. I’ll just turn on this old radiogram and you and Ma can have a nice listen to the latest…SILENCE!
Cosmic comic book discussion and songs from Gary Lactus and The Beast Must Die of Mindlessones.com
Mindless ones' Friends
Subscribe to this Podcast