Cosmic comic book talk
June 23, 2015 12:24 PM PDTI GET PAID TO BREATHE, HOORAY FOR ME, HOORAY FOR ME Angela Grimcock grabbed David’s shotgun from out of the umbrella stand, adjusted her reading spectacles. and looked in the mirror. Running a calloused hand through her blue rinsed hair she checked one last time that she had a hankie tucked up her sleeve. She fished a warm Werthers original from her pocket, unwrapped it and popped it into her mouth. Then she unlocked the door to 43 Arkensword Avenue and stepped into the maelstrom. Mr Grainger came first, lurching through her Begonias, his face contorted with rage. His skin was mottled purple and red, and his black, swollen tongue poked out of his distended jaw. From a tear in his argyle sweater a new eye swivelled and blinked furiously. He was holding the remains of Miracle, his once beloved Daschund in one lumpen fist, and the small dog’s head lolled and buffeted against his trouser leg. With a strangled scream he launched towards Angela; she raised the shotgun towards her neighbour and pulled the trigger. Mr Grainger caught the blast fully in the chest and he was backflipped smartly over the Begonias, and into the water feature. David’s tasteful Japanese water sculpture bubbled crimson as Mr Grainger, one-time head of the Rotary club and organiser of the Salvation Army jumble sale expired with a keening wheeze, like a whoopy cushion. Out of the corner of her eye Angela spotted the Bishop boy sliding his way around into her yard. She’d never liked him ever since she caught him urinating on her herb garden as a 5 year old. Now, as his twisted body flipped and swivelled on new joints and three mouths snapped like castanets, she finally took her revenge. The first shot took his arm off at the shoulder and spun him like a top; the second caught him above the back of the neck and his his head disintegrated. Pieces of him dashed against the garden fence and his spasming body collapsed like a deflating bouncy castle on a warm summer afternoon. “It’s going to be a long Saturday” said Angela, with a grimace. “And I don’t even have a blessed drop of milk in the house. Black tea – it really is the end!”
June 15, 2015 11:26 AM PDTTHERE’S A MAN WITH A MULLET GOING MAD WITH A MALLET IN MILLETS And then the robot walked up to the man and he said get out of town because you are a criminal but the man who was an evil genius cowboy said i’m not getting out of town in fact i will rob the bank and then he got his gang ane they did a raid on the bank and stole all of the robot money. All the robots cried and said oh who will help us but then spacehorse flew down and said i am spacehorse i am the heroic horse from space and i have super powers and can fly and the robots said the evil genius cowboy stole our money so spacehorse said i will help you and so he flew off. Later the evil genius cowboy and his gang were laughing and shooting guns in the air and counting all the robot money but then spacehorse flew down from the sky and he used his eye lazers and cut the evil genius cowboys gang in half and the evil genius cowboy tied to run away but spacehorse melted his hat and then flew up and then down really fast and landed on his head with his hooves which are made of space metal and the evil genius cowboys head popped like a balloon. Spacehorse flew the money back to town and all the robots threw spacehorse a party and they all drank and ate and fell asleep. While they were all sleeping spacehorse stole all their robot money and flew off and also did an atomic horse poo on the robot town and blew it up. Then spacehorse and the teen riders all had another party. THE END
June 09, 2015 03:03 PM PDTHE LIES ON HIS SIDE IS HE TRYING TO HIDE? IN FACT IT’S THE EARTH THAT HE’S KNOWN SINCE BIRTH “Cor blimey stroike a loight guvnor, wos all this about then, cor blimey ain’t I yer bloody great sod! I tell ye what me ol choina, this eer’s a roight rum bloody lark an no mistake ain’t it? It’s been rainin apples and soddin pears all day an I’m soaked to the effin bone I am guvnor, stroike a light guv an I even seen me fancy dolly bird all day noither…” CUT! Why the f*ck did you hire an American actor to do this blurb? For f*cks sake this is a total write off. F*ckin amateurs…
June 02, 2015 02:41 PM PDTSHE LOOKS LIKE EVE MARIE SAINT, IN ON THE WATERFRONT “So like with this second album we really wanted to just totally get away all the stuff that everyone associated with that first album y’know? Like, we really wanted to strip out a lot of the poppy stuff and just really let the tracks just like find themselves y’know? We’d been listening to a lot of Can, Neu! y’know Krautrock stuff but also like a lot of Italo-disco y’know? And that just totally informed the epic, spaced out grooves we kind of ended up with. And like we were really getting pressured to come up with a hit single, like something that the label could totally pitch to, I don’t know Radio 6 or something, but we were so totally against that, because like really we felt we’d really done that whole three minute thing y’know and Gavin was trying out this weird singing style, kind of trying for that Liz Frazer ethereal stuff y’know but with this real kind of screechy falsetto y’know, and he’d totally just given up with traditional vocals and moved into some kind of impressionistic moaning and shit y’know? Really pushing the boundaries. And Tiny Darren was just totally entranced with all that Bollywood soundtrack stuff so he was really into just bringing that vibe into the rhythm section and then Kath was really intent on everyone swapping instruments on the final track cos she’d been using Eno’s Oblique Strategies and wanted to get like a sort of Tortoise jamming thing going, but much more primitive and skronky y’know. Really bold, challenging stuff. And we were really really pleased with the way the whole album hung together, even though the label were really nervous about the fact that we sacked Terry Nuggins and ended up producing the whole thing ourselves, which I actually think really kind of brave actually, considering that Terry had just produced the Brontosaurus album, but we like knew that we’d done the right thing, the honest thing, y’know. And when the reviews came in they were mixed and kind of sometimes terrible and a lot of our fans like tuned out, like a lot, and we got fully dropped, but I still totally stand by the record. Y’know?” “Listen mate, can I just get my burger?”
May 19, 2015 12:54 PM PDTLITTLE FISH BIG FISH, SWIMMING IN THE WATER, COME BACK HERE MAN, GIMME MY DAUGHTER I am the traveller. I have…travelled. Travelled far. Out into the rocky, jagged cobalt blue terrain of Ferronar, where the sky-narwhals drift by like bloated rain clouds, the luminous krill-spore on their skin igniting their blubbery hides in a neon lightshow, fragmentary fire in the sky. Through the time-wastes of Norgg, where I saw my life spiral out in front and behind me, a chrysalis of confinement. My infant mewl and death cry joined each other in a note of pure harmony, ringing in my ears. The destiny web. Further now, further into the Unknown Territories where time becomes a fragile, lacy thing buffeted by the storms of Un-life, where celestial bodies of unimagined scale frolic and twist together in the heavens, while the Silent Wind blasts the landscape below, a mosaic of broken lands beyond belief. Further..further on…until. A door. Before me, a door. I knock. “Yeah mate?” “I have…your…pizza” “Yeah mate, you should’ve been here an hour and a half ago, yeah? Thing’s probably fuckin’ cold now anyway. Take it back mate, not interested. Fuckin’ clown. Do one.” ———————- Welcome yet, me hail, hairy hearties, to this new edition of the internet’s one and only comics lifestyle magazine show review podcast…SILENCE! With the Statler and Waldorf of comics podcasting, The Beast Must Die and Gary Lactus. Or are they Piggy and Kermit? Or Bunsen and Beaker? Two Pigs in space? The Swedish chef and his favourite chicken? Big Bird and a scared child? The answer is yes.
May 12, 2015 01:40 PM PDTHE REMEMBERS ALL THE PUNKS AND THE HIPPIES TOO, AND HE REMEMBERS ROXY MUSIC IN ’72 GIVE ME BACK MY SON/DAUGHTER/WIIIIIIIIFE!! If you don’t I will go the full ‘Neeson’ on you. Just be glad I don’t go full ‘Gibson’ or you’ll get the full ‘Neeson’ with added homophobia and misogyny. But even then, that wouldn’t be as bad as if I went the full ‘Segal’on you. That way you get ‘Neeson’, plus ‘Gibson’ with added faux-buddhism and additional Putin points! But they all pale in comparison to when I go FULL ‘EDMONDS’ on you… all the above, plus the MYSTERY OF THE BOXES! So just take a moment, take stock of what’s at stake. And give. Me back. MY SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOON!!!!!
May 05, 2015 01:48 PM PDTOHHHHH! THE WIDE MISSOURRI!
April 27, 2015 01:21 PM PDTNOW YOU’RE GOING WITH SOME KID, LOOKS LIKE SOME BAD COMEDIAN ‘[MEMO] Guys, Totes need to nail this blurb ASAP. Time’s running out on this ‘kay, and I’ve got Japan up my ass. I know we can’t afford Disembodied Narratorbot X-15735 for this, and to be honest I’m not interested in dealing with that prima donna A$$HOLE anyway. Let it go shake it’s little nano-tush for those big shot podcasters across the pond. That bitch be cray-cray anyway, and at least we don’t have to try and sort that goddamn rider y’know? Fukkin’ unbelivable, amiright??? Anyhoo, you need to get your best people on this pronto. I want the biggest guns you can get without spending mucho dollarinies, ‘kay? We need something very NOW, very SEXY, very VERY, y’know? We need the blurb equivalent of a Skrillex beat, soundtracking someone base-jumping into a pile of I-watches, kay? I’ll be off radar, got a big golf game with Stan The Man, and Jay-Z, looking at some VERY big plans for this podcast. Keep it under your wigs guys, but we seriously need to jettison those two tired fuckkin hams The Beast Must Die and Gary Lactus…those two hacks make me wanna puke my ring, but the contracts they have are like a fukkin vice on my balls – that’s some cast-iron LA Law shit there. An’ I’m not talkin fukkin Benny, amiright?? Let’s just say that IF something bad was to happen to them, then we might just have a couple of replacements waiting in the wings. But that’s a great big IF right there. Oh yeah, and stay off the blow, you fukkin beak-hounds – I want’s this blurb YESTER-fukkin-DAY, none of yer fukkin three day parties. I find out you guys been partyin at Didio’s mansion and I’m gonna be on the first flight out there to ram my fist up your asses. Buddy Bagelbinder’s gonna be keepin’ a close fukkin eye on your a$$es. [MEMO ENDS] Welcome young listener pups, to the welcoming teat of another SILENCE! Turn that other podcast off, and put this podcast into your face-hole right now.
April 21, 2015 02:00 PM PDTI TOOK A SHOWGIRL FOR MY BRIDE, THOUGHT MY LIFE WOULD BE RIGHTEOUS We are all of the hive. The hive is all. The hive keeps us. The hive protects us, the hive keeps up safe. The hive gives us of purpose. The hive is. I am of the hive. You are of the hive. Are you of the hive? If not, why not? Why not the hive? INTRUDERS, INTRUDERS IN THE HIVE!!! REPEL THE INTRUDERS, REPEL THE…THE.. Wait, what are you doing? Why are you sat, squat listening to that radiogram? The hive is under atta.. Mmm. I like the sound of those soft southern brogues. Are they talking about comics? I luuuuuurve comics. Scooch up a bit there, I want to listen. What? What hive? Who cares about the hive? They’re just a bunch of honey making c*nts. Now what’s the name of this delight? SILENCE! you say? Well let’s SILENCE!
April 14, 2015 11:55 PM PDTA KNIFE, A FORK, A BOTTLE AND A CORK, THAT’S THE WAY WE RUN NEW YORK Lette me telle you a storye…let me weave you a dream Come then gentlefolk, down the hitherymost further-far path into the faraway mistymost woods at the bottom of the garden. You’ll have to be quiet as the quietest church mouse and nimble as the most hop-skippety-jumping frog. Now close your eyes… do you hear those far away tinkling bells? Those bells that sound like tears on a drisly Wednesday evening? Those are the Belles of Gaiman’s Folly, tolling. Down the furtherymost farthest dingly lane in Gaimain’s Folly there’s a Magick Cheese Shoppe. On a dusty, musty old shelf in the back of the Cheese Shoppe, they keep all the faraway most forgottenest things…Christmas is kept their 364 days a year, as are childhood dreams and the first sweet taste of love. Would you like to go there with me gentle stranger? Would you? Now do you see that doorway opening just out of the corner of your eye? Grab my hand and make a wish…wish for something sad and sweet and we will twirl you and I away from ths sadde world of grown ups and jobs and cares, and spin, spin merrily into the magickal realm of Gaiman’s Folly…come on let’s spin, and wish and spin and wishandspinadnwishwishwishspin….. Wait, what the f*ck is that? A Tesco Metro? This isn’t Gaiman’s Folly, it’s Watford. Oh well, I guess we might as well grab a King Size Snickers and a Chocolate Yazoo and settle down in this carpark and listen to the latest SILENCE!
Cosmic comic book discussion and songs from Gary Lactus and The Beast Must Die of Mindlessones.com
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