February 23, 2015 11:20 AM PST
It’s Oscar season! You know, that season where it’s okay to hunt people called Oscar! But before you run and grab your pistols, shotguns and catapults, why don’t you rest up for a while and take in the latest podstravaganza from the Dempsey & Makepeace of podcasting, Gary Lactus & The Beast Must Die! The podcast is SILENCE!, the time is now and the trousers are TIGHT! Too tight as a matter of fact…I’m seeing lights. Take me to the lights…take me now….
- It’s a fist-sized portion of sponsorship, with the usual subjects, and some lovely jingles for some of the dearest of dear listeners. Oh and they talk about ancient ITV gameshow 3,2,1, because, y’know, comics.
- The Reviewniverse opens it’s welcoming arms and the boys take it’s embrace. Synergy, cosmic oneness and all that aul shoite…Multiversity: Mastermen, Silver Surfer, Affordable Amazement Catalogue, The Sound of Drowning, 2000AD, Rumble, Transformers Vs GI Joe, Wonder Woman, Hawkeye, and Frank Miller’s Holy Terror all come between the crosshairs.
- The final item! Goodbye!
February 17, 2015 11:21 PM PST
IN THE SEA THERE IS A WHALE WITHOUT ANY EYES
This…is the voice…of the Mr Rons! Welcoming you, your skin and ALL your internal organs to the family bucket-sized extravaganza that is this week’s SILENCE! Dundering halfwit Gary Lactus and professional irritant The Beast Must Die are joined by know-it-all princeling Bobsy in what is already being touted as the finest podcast of the year. Isn’t that special? Yes. Yes it is special. Mummy’s special podcast. Smart time!
- Bit of the ol’ who’s yer sponsor, and The Beast tells the boys all about the magnificence of Grey Gardens.
- Who’s afraid of the big bad comics? Not these three fearless psychonauts as they bravely push against the 4-colour skein and break through like calves hanging out the back of a cow into…The Reviewniverse! Plus for the first time in the history of time… the weighing of comics! So: Transformers v GI Joe – 68g, Darth Vader – 78g, Uber – 76g, The Names – 49g, Amazing Spiderman – 65g, Winter Soldier – 53g, War Of the Trenches -620g, Freud – 463g, Bitch Planet – 63g, Prometheus : Omega – 93g, Trencher, 2000AD – 75g, Shackleton – 208g, Hip Hop Family Tree – 554g, They’re Not Like Us – 46g
- What are you looking at? Is nearly two hours of solid hott goldchatz not enough? Well it’s time that you lot learned to lower your expectations. Nope, lower than that. Lower. Sort of Real Housewives of Vancouver low. Good. Now kick back and enjoy.
This edition of SILENCE! is proudly sponsored by the greatest comics shop on the planet, DAVE’S COMICS of Brighton. It’s also sponsored the greatest comics shop on the planet GOSH! Comicsof London.
February 10, 2015 02:37 PM PST
Shhhh! Be vewwy, vewwy quiet…I’m huntin’ PODCASTS! Huhuhuhuhuhuhuhuhuhu!
Those two titans of tedium are back to wet your collective whistles. And thank goodness, because can you imagine having to live your life with a dry whistle? The indignity..the trauma. Did you know that over 50,000 people a year have to suffer with the chaffing, itchy embarrassment and shame of a dry whistle? WELL DID YOU? If it wasn’t for these two brave podsoldiers waging their lonely war against dry whistles…well. I don’t know where we’d be.
Where are we?
Oh that’s right – SILENCE!!!
- A healthy, happy, bouncing baby sponsorship! Featuring Gary’s SKLENT teaser, The Beast talking about seeing Richard McGuire discussing his masterful Here live, and Dave McKean (did someone say Arkham Asylum 2????)
- Oh you, me and the Reviewniverse makes three! Bumper edition featuring Nameless, Annihilator, Multiversity Handbook, Bitch Planet, John Allison’s Scary-go-round, Expecting To Fly, 2000AD, Stray Bullets, Miracleman, Superman, 21st Century Tank Girl, Batman, Ant Man, Wytches, Saga, Ms Marvel, Dying & The Dead and probably some more.
- What? No more items. You’ve had enough.
Gary Season, Beast Season, Gary Season, Beast Season…
January 26, 2015 01:57 PM PST
Come on, that’s right…UP TEAM! Jolly hockey sticks! That bloody Gary Lactus, totally bloody solid bloke, fantastic under a high ball! And The Beast Must Die…absolute bloody legend! Exactly who you want in a tight spot! COME ON LADS, SCORE ONE FOR US!! YASSSSSSSSS! SILENCE! – 1, DEAR LISTENERS – 0!!
Half-time oranges anyone? Okay how about a half-time podcast then?
- It’s The Beast Must Die’s birthday (sort of). Let’s all force cake down his gullet and light candles in his ears!
- There’s some Sponsorshit, The Beast promotes his illustrations in Architects Journal, and Gary invites him and the Dear Listeners in a game of Marvel Heroes Bodycare Bingo!
- Into the valley of The Reviewniverse rode Gary & The Beast… and unafraid they review The Kitchen, The Mighty, Batman & robin, Captain America & The Mighty Avengers, UBER, Wicked & The Divine, Rumble, Crossed 100, and 2000AD
- The podcast takes a turn to towards the base, as the boys come up with a novel way to discuss the 4 Dark Judges.
And that, my dreary dears, is that. The bitterest pill is hard to swallow, especially when it’s administered by a couple of cretins.
January 22, 2015 02:26 PM PST
Oh well. you turn your back for 10 minutes and all the little piggies find themselves a NEW podcast to listen to. I bet this podcast has shiny baubles, trinkets and doodads that would make any listener turn it’s head… well let me ask you this dear listener, WHO LOVES YOU, AND WHO DO YOU LOVE???
SILENCE! that’s who. And just because Christmas sauntered into New Year like a saucy minx wandering into a sauce factory, and just because REAL. LIFE. JUST GOT REAL…do you think that makes it okay to just flip your wig for the nearest podcast that shakes it’s little tail-feather in your general direction??? Well do ya pilgrim? Whatever happened to HONESTY? INTEGRITY? INNERCITY (Good life, good life, good life, good life…goood life!)??? WELL?
Oh look I don’t know. I’m just paid to write this shit by the hour, and let me tell you the hourly rate ain’t great. So you get what you been given. And that’s a medium slice of podcast served up with a good dose of sass!
Gary Lactus & the Beast Must Die are here to guide you through the latest 4-colour mission pamphlets….so grab your Leiderhosen and letsbe avenue…
- Relax ev’ryone..The OL’ SPONSORSHIP is here. And it’ just as scintillating as you remember. Somehow the pair find time for a discussion of Marvel Soooperhero films,and Alan Moore synchronicities.
- What’s that coming out of the woods, it’s THE REVIEWNIVERSE! feat. The Humans, 2000AD, The Thrillcast, Colin McNeil, Chopper, Gore, The Dark judges, Judge Anderson, Savage, The Winter Soldier, Jupiter’s Legacy, Batman, Colin Hoult, N.Kanan’s Exit, Daredevil and just a bit more
- Just time to big up Graeme & Jeff’s Baxter Building FF podcast and then it’s home for scones and dead badger pancakes. Ta ta!
December 31, 2014 12:09 AM PST
WE’RE WALKING IN THE AIR, WE’RE FLOATING IN THE MOONLIT SKY OR SOMETHING
Guests, guests, guests! That’s right! Guests! As The Beast Must Die was buried under a megalanche of seasonal commitment, Gary Lactus decided to throw a special New Years Eve party. Gary sure is a popular guy because he managed to get THREE guests to come to his brilliant party. I don’t know if you’ve ever had a party but three is actually quite a lot.
JAMES BAKER took time out from his third Christmas to chat about Isabel Greenberg’s The Encyclopedia of Early Earth, Young Avengers Omnibus, Wicked and Divine#6 andThey’re Not Like Us#1. There’s also time to talk up Hayley Addis’s new project, Goblin Circus (go to haloquin.com) before he has to go and have his mystery dinner.
AL EWING ruined everything by coughing in the egg nog and going on about the Lille comic con. As revenge Gary reviews Mighty Avengers and Loki Agent of Sixis in his face.
MISTER ATTACK burst in and blustered beautifully about Transformers Vs GI Joe, Quantum and Woody and something called Super God Master Force amongst other things.
Then technology broke and stopped the party. Apologies to ED 209 who did some top chat which is lost forever.
Happy new year everyone! I kiss you: XXX
December 23, 2014 12:17 PM PST
It’s beginning to smell a lot like Christmas.
So it’s the time of year when Gary Lactus & The Beast Must Die like to kick back, dress like Bruno Brookes and Janice Long and present their Very Special Christmas Jingle Spectacularmas…SILENCE! If there was a end of year best of lists for half-baked, ill-informed opinions and lazy plot recounting…well let me tell you, these boys would be topping that eggnoggin’ list!
- A festive portion of Christmas sponsorship, ho ho ho yeah whatever. There’s some teary listener dedications from those rheumy eyed old sadsacks Gary & The Beast. Plus…the Grant Morrison / Midge Ure connection!
- A festive portion of listener jingles courtesy of the one man walking Brill Building himself Gary Lactus. There will be blood.
- A festive portion of The Reviewniverse ho ho ho with a festive portion of talk about Rumble, Zero, Thunderworld, Annihilator, Spiderman, Sex Criminals, Bitch Planet, Ms Marvel, Batgirl, All New X-Men and probably some other stuff.
- A festive portion of favourite Christmas songs. Predictably.
All that plus some strange transmissions from the Multiversity…? I’LL TAKE TWO PLEASE MA’AM!!!
Well there’s only one. BUT WHAT A ONE!!!!!!
Merry cocking Christmas. One and all.
December 09, 2014 02:13 PM PST
Rorschach’s Journal. October 12ff, 1985:
Dog carcass in alley this mornin’, tire tread on burst stomach. This city is afraid of me. I ‘ave seen it’s true Nanny Goat Race. The streets are extended gutters and the bloody gutters are full of blood and wen the drains finally scab over, right, all the vermin will drown. The bloomin’ accumulated filff of all their sex and murder will foam up about their waists and all the bloomin’ ‘oores and politicians will ‘ave a look up and shout “Chas’n'Dave us! Honest guv!”…
…and I’ll ‘ave a look dahn, and whispa “nah mate.”
They ‘ad a choice, right, all of them. They could ‘ave followed in the footsteps of right good men like me favver, or President Truman. Decent men, ‘oo believed in a day’s work for a day’s pay. Instead the followed the droppings of lechers and Communists and didn’t realize that the bloody trail led over a precipice until it were too late. Cor blimey guv! Don’t tell me they didn’t ‘ave a choice.
Now the ‘oole world stands on the bloody brink, starin’ dahn into bloody hell fire, all them liberals and intellectuals and smooff-talkers… and all of a sudden, no bloke can fink of anyfink ter say.
Okee-day, let’s get started, we can’t just sit around all day! We’ve got a podcast to run, people! It won’t run itself. Unless…it did??? A sentient podcast! Crivens! doesn’t bare thinking about really. Luckily this podcast isn’t sentient, it’s the home of Gary Lactus & The Beast Must Die, and it;s SILENCE!
- Sponsorshamallamadingdong! Dave’s Comics & Gosh get the usual shouts, and there’s a bizarre anecdote concerning the demise of Gary’s comedy night ‘Mouth Leak‘, which is worth the entrance fee alone. Plus Christmas markets, movie marathons and more.
- A square kick i the pants, and the pair are launched into The Reviewniverse. Jolly good. They cover Crossed 100 by Alan Moore, with a discussion of his recent interview on Scroobius Pip’s Podcast. But that’s not all, there’s Edge of Spiderverse: Sp//dr, Edge of Spiderverse: I walked With A Spider, Secret Six, Grayson, Wolf Moon, Gotham Academy, Uber, Angela and Alex Potts’ Quiet Disaster.
- Gary recommends a trio of Swedish minicomics. Ooooh!
- Some more podcast recommendations and a bit of the ol’ self promotion, plus a threat to the dear listeners? It’s all here in the newly christened Appendmin…
Now where was i? Let me clear my throat…”Dog carcass in alley…”
December 02, 2014 01:20 PM PST
SO DRUNK IN THE AUGUST SUN, AND YOU’RE THE KIND OF GIRL I LIKE
But didn’t we? I mean *really* when you think about it, didn’t we? We really did didn’t we? Yes we did. We really did. Did it, I mean. Really. Didn’t we? Didn’t we do it? We did, yes we did. We really really did. Didn’t we?
Ahh. Well then. Should we head to the drawing room and see what Gary Lactus & The Beast Must Die are up to? Why look! They’re recording a SILENCE! let’s go sit at their feet.
- Oo-er, titter ye not, Missus, titter ye not, NO! Don’t you wave your sponsorship at ME!
- The Beast takes us on a trip down memory lane to the heady days of the 1980s with Escape Magazine, featuring Alan’s Big American Adventure, Phil Elliott, Eddie Campbell and more.
- It’s a one-step, two-step, tickle you under the…Reviewniverse. The boys trudge through the 4-colour wastelands with Ody-C, Madman 3-D special, Prophet Strikefile, Superior Iron Man, Superior Foes of Spiderman, Usagi Yojimbo, Zero, John Smith and more.
- A final bit of chat about Guardians of The Galaxy and Thor 2 and then you’re free to do what you want with the rest of your life.
But we did though.
November 25, 2014 03:28 PM PST
So Gary Lactus, a The Beast Must Die and a Bobsy walk into a bar…and then they ordered everyone else of said bar, in order to record a podcast. Shortly after the podcast was finished recording the enraged bar patrons stormed back in and threw the three stringy upstarts out into the gutter, as a lifetime of reading comics had left them milky of complexion and frail of frame. Certainly not strong enough to stand up to a bunch of gammon-faced alcoholics with nothing to live for. Nonetheless the outcome is 2 hours of comics podcast magicccckks…let’s all go SILENCE!
- There’s a ramblicious opening salvo with sponsorshunting, and a selection pack of tangential conversations… but out of the morass comes a single ringing plea..BUY CINDY & BISCUIT!
- The Reviewniverse opens it’s hallowed doors to welcome The Grant Morrison Apologist Society Annual General Meeting starts here, as the boys go long for a discussion of the really quite good Multiversity: Pax Americana. Much too chew on, and chew they do…woo hoo!
- More Moz, as they careen into the void of Annihilator, before carrying onto X-Force, X-Men, Wonder Woman, Punk Mambo, Harley Quinn, Wytches, Intersect, and the weirdly divisive True Stories from Derf…there’s a bit of chat about Supreme Blue Rose, Zero, Loki: Agent of Axis and more…
Cosmic comic book discussion and songs from Gary Lactus and The Beast Must Die of Mindlessones.com
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